The 1433rd Psalm

The DBA is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He maketh me to lie down in green Integration Services tasks:
he leadeth me beside the still SSDs.

He restoreth my filegroups:
he leadeth me in the paths of MS best practices for his sanity's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of joins, I will fear no scans:
for thou art the optimizer; Thy indexes and statistics they comfort me.

Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine schemas:
thou anointest my database with DBCC CHECKDB;
my plan cache runneth over.

Surely consistency and integrity shall follow me all the days of my life:
and I will dwell in the house of the DBA for ever.

I can't take full credit for this, as I was inspired by some remarks on twitter quite a while ago ("Yea, though I walk through the valley…") A little detective work showed it probably originated on the SQL Server Central Forum.